End of Pregnancy Musings

A funny thing happens in your head when you wake up on the morning of your due date (and again the morning after your due date)... in your own bed... feeling totally normal- especially after a membrane sweep the day before left you hopeful it would be an eventful night.  As much as you tell yourself you're not in a hurry and as many times as you are reminded that "he will come when he is ready," you still feel like maybe you are letting people down, and you still start to worry that maybe your body doesn't know what to do.  It's a head trip for sure.  But that's kind of where I am now.  Where?  Well, all over the place, I guess.  So, over the past few days, as is to be expected, I've been thinking a lot about my pregnancy as a whole, the end of this pregnancy, and what unknowns lie ahead.  So, please bear with me as I share a sort of stream of consciousness about some things on my mind.

Ready But Not

In just the past couple days, I shifted from waking up each morning thinking "phew, I'm still pregnant" to waking up thinking, "oh, I'm still pregnant. Something must be wrong with me." And "Great- today I will have to tell more people who will surely ask that yes, I am still pregnant"  I always knew that I wanted to be a mom, and I was SO very excited when we found out I was pregnant.  I also really lucked out that I had such an easy pregnancy. Because of those things, it was very easy for me to enjoy being pregnant and to be really be proud of what my body was doing- it's an amazing thing!  So in that sense, I kind of felt ready in some ways.  However, despite all of that, I have really had a hard time getting my head on board with what it all actually means. The bigger picture of pregnancy and its obvious end result has felt very surreal and abstract to me this entire time. I mean, obviously I know what the end result is (and I'm SO excited, I really am!), but it's like I just can't picture myself actually there.  My head, and yes, sometimes even my heart, are having a hard time getting on board... especially as the end nears.  I'm ready, and I'm not ready. All at the same time.

Did I Appreciate It Enough?

Like I said before, I really have enjoyed being pregnant.  And I am so thankful that this experience has been such a positive one for both David and I.  However, sometimes, because of that, I wonder if I appreciated it enough  and worry that I took it for granted.  I've been thinking about that recently because in the last couple weeks, I've found myself already feeling somewhat nostalgic when I think about what it will be like when it's over.  Will I miss being pregnant?  Did I spend enough time rubbing my belly or just sitting with my hands on my belly and thinking about my baby?  I was never one to sing to, read to, or even talk a whole lot to the baby like I feel like everyone else you hear about does.  Will I regret that?  Did I spend enough time just feeling and watching the baby move?  Toward the end, I actually sometimes found myself getting annoyed when the movements were so much that they were distracting, or so strong that they hurt! How awful is that?!  Don't get me wrong, I DID spend my fair share of time relaxing on the couch, watching my belly move in waves and just being in awe of the little life inside me causing all that movement.  But I also would feel so much guilt when these same movements (especially the rough and painful ones) would start to actually annoy or distract me. I do know that I will miss these parts of pregnancy a lot though. So I'm trying to soak it up while I can!  And I hope that I am able to experience it all again one day. 

What Will It Be Like...

...To have the baby?  ...Once the baby is here?  I already mentioned that this part remains very abstract and surreal to me, as I'm sure it is for all about-to-be-first-time-parents. I mean, how can you know what to expect?!  Because I felt like it was totally abstract for so long, it was easy for me to just kind of not think about what it would be like.  I'm good at denial ;-)  But I am thinking about it a lot now (duh).  And it's just so hard still to think about David and I actually at that point.  I've read about a million birth stories (they're my favorite), but I cannot in anyway whatsoever even begin to picture myself in that position- on the way to the hospital, getting admitted, having contractions, etc.  There's no way around it, but I still just can't even begin to imagine myself at that point.  Which is silly because it literally could happen any minute or hour now.  I also struggle to imagine what life will be like with the baby here. Will I have that "insta-love" that you hear so much about?  Or might it take me a bit longer to become attached to this tiny human?  I know both can be totally normal reactions.  What will home life be like- especially when all the visitors are gone? Will I ever sleep again? ;-)  Very normal questions, I know.  But I guess somehow I thought I might be more confident in thinking about these things playing out.  

Wow, I'm a total head case.  And awfully hormonal.  But it felt good to get that all out there.  And I think this is something I will enjoy reading back over a couple months from now.  I'm fairly certain that I will wish that I could have told 9+ month pregnant Megan to chill out, relax, and swear to her that everything will be OK and turn out great- better than she even imagined probably.  I will also probably wish I could have told her to GO TO BED, and stop blogging her hormones at nearly 1 AM for crying out loud! :-)